Bring Yourself to Love: How Couples Can Turn Disconnection Into Intimacy and Connection By Mona Barbera
Awards
What People Are Saying
A win win! A must for anyone who wants to get better connected to their partner as well as any couples counselor that want to offer a positive respectful approach to couples to better their relationship.
I am a relationship therapist and this is my “go to” book I suggest to my clients to read together.
I have seen how this book helps couples regain connection giving “better back” time and again. This engaging book uses a method that is rooted in the Internal Family Systems Model of viewing personality.
It offers clear roadmaps and guidance as well as lots of useful exercises. Though meant for the general public, it can also be excellent learning for therapists, especially those who wish to understand the IFS model. I highly recommend it to everyone.
Packed with lot of practical and helpful techniques. This book enabled me to better communicate with my significant other during the arguments. It helped me to really understand that the intense pain I thought my partner was giving me is actually my pain that needs my attention.
It encouraged me to give constructive and honest feedback to my other half without expectation or need that she will change. Also, it made me realize that price of silence is high because when we withold our perceptions, relationship will stagnate.
Lastly, what I love about IFS when it comes to couples therapy is that it focuses on releasing Self energy between the partners, NOT creating it. In other words it’s often about IFS therapist not knowing the solution, which leaves room for Self to know. And, that’s the beauty of this approach.
Testimonials
RICHARD SCHWARTZ, PH.D.,LMFT, FOUNDER AND DEVELOPER OF INTERNAL FAMILY SYSTEMS
This well-written little book is packed with exercises and examples that make applying IFS concepts to intimate relationships clear and practical. It is a strong contribution to the literature on IFS and to couple's work in general. Therapists and clients alike will find that it enhances their ability to "give better back” and to hold Self leadership in the face of the other's protectors, in other words, to bring loving presence back into their relationships.
THE REV. MARTIN L. SMITH, SPIRITUAL TEACHER IN THE EPISCOPAL CHURCH, AUTHOR OF A SEASON FOR THE SPIRIT
Those of us who are committed through various disciplines to healing in relationships know what a significant breakthrough comes when we can help people recognize the distinct “selves of the self” that are always in play. Bring Yourself to Love is a warm and persuasive invitation to undertake this breakthrough, and because it isn’t complicated or daunting it will be a tool for insight and change that many different kinds of people will appreciate.
WADE LUQUET, PH.D., ASSOCIATE PROFESSOR OF SOCIOLOGY & HUMAN SERVICES AT GWYNED-MERCY COLLEGE, AUTHOR OF SHORT-TERM COUPLES THERAPY: THE IMAGO MODEL IN ACTION
Dr. Mona Barbera brings clarity and wisdom to the Internal Family Systems governing couples relationships. By naming the parts of the system, couples are able to understand their purpose and power. Bring Yourself to Love empowers couples to understand their frustrations and use the relationship to heal their partner and their self, and learn the power of “giving better back.” This book is a gem among relationship books.
RHONDA L. SABO, PSY.D., PSYCHOTHERAPIST AND FORMER PRESIDENT, NEW ENGLAND SOCIETY FOR THE TREATMENT OF TRAUMA AND DISSOCIATION
Written with compassion, wisdom and conviction, Bring Yourself to Love is a user-friendly guide (complete with worksheets and exercises) for couples who wish to heal their relationship. It is an equally clear introduction for clinicians who want to apply Internal Family Systems theory and technique in their couples practices. Many of us learned years ago that ego-state work could contribute to therapeutic success, and we have been fascinated to learn about the developments introduced by Richard Schwartz in his IFS theory. In this book experienced couples therapist Mona Barbara has truly done justice to the IFS model. She invites us on a new and exciting path to helping couples create and sustain deep and loving connection.
RALPH S. COHEN, PH.D., LMFT, DIRECTOR OF THE MARRIAGE AND FAMILY THERAPY PROGRAM AT CENTRAL CONNECTICUT STATE UNIVERSITY AND IFS LEAD TRAINER
Mona Barbera’s new book, Bring Yourself to Love, presents aunique and hopeful approach to addressing both the day-to-day and problematic aspects of intimate relationships, and to promote connection and understanding. Her approach is inviting, engaging,and non-blaming; the use of the Internal Family Systems model as a framework for understanding and resolving both internal andexternal polarizations is a true contribution to the field of couples therapy!
SUSAN PIVER, AUTHOR OF HOW NOT TO BE AFRAID OF YOUR OWN LIFE
Mona Barbera’s new book offers partners a compassionate wayto view and address their own and their mate’s repeated neurotic reactions. Instead of falling into despair when the same old argument surfaces, Barbera offers a practical system for elevating it to an exercise in intimacy.
NOAH RUBINSTEIN, LMFT, EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR OF GOODTHERAPY.ORG
Whereas many self-help books only highlight the importanceof changing oneself in order to change one’s relationship, MonaBarbera, Ph.D., in her excellent new book, actually demonstrates how to go about doing this. Bring Yourself to Love: How Couples Can Turn Disconnection into Intimacy is a wonderful, practical, and easy to read book with very helpful exercises. This book is in alignment with the values of GoodTherapy.org and will benefit many couples who want to strengthen their relationship or save their marriage.
SUNNY SHULKIN, LCSW, BCD, FACULTY, INSTITUTE OF IMAGO RELATIONSHIP THERAPY
This captivating book by Mona Barbera, Ph.D., is a must read for couples and therapists everywhere. Inside its covers, the reader finds principles and tools that led Mona herself, and her many couples from a land of injury and pain into a place where connection and aliveness easily emerge. Dr. Barbera’s personal and professional journey is way beyond wonderful and a gift to us all.
MARILYN PAUL, PH.D., AUTHOR OF IT’S HARD TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE WHEN YOU CAN’T FIND YOUR KEYS
I love Bring Yourself to Love! Mona’s approach and style is soaccessible that I was able to apply it to my own life immediately. This book is about helping us grow up and love the way we have wanted to, but have been unable to, because of the many “parts” that live in us, unreconciled.
STAN BECKER, PROFESSOR, DEPARTMENT OF POPULATION, FAMILY AND REPRODUCTIVE HEALTH, JOHNS HOPKINS UNIVERSITY
As a demographer focusing on couples and reproductive health,I am aware of the very high rate of divorce in the U.S., and the high number of births (37%) to unmarried women. It seems that when many couples encounter major difficulties in the relationship, instead of working hard to resolve the differences, they opt for the individualistic response of dissolving the relationship. Mona Barbera’s book gives theoretical background and lots of practice exercises for those couples committed to working together toward understanding each others’ inner selves and how they sometimes lead them to hurt and defensiveness. “Giving better back” is a beautiful starting point for healing relationships.
DEIDRE FAY, MSW AUTHOR OF Becoming SAFELY EMBODIED SKILLS MANUAL
Every so often an invaluable book comes a long. When I find a book like that I keep a pile at my office to give to clients. Mona Barbera’s book, “Bring Yourself to Love” is one of those books. Written for couples the material is helpful for people in any kind of relationship. I’ve been loaning my copy out to people who are working out issues with their bosses, work colleagues, friends, and yes, their significant other. They come back telling me abut their relief saying the book is easy to understand, easy to use, simplifying complex relational dynamics. Now, that’s the book to keep around!
REV. DR. ED BABINSKY, UNITED CHURCH OF CHRIST MINISTER
Mona Barbera’s book is an eminently readable road map that guides couples through the challenging terrain of their relationships. Using easy to understand yet very important concepts of their inner lives, Dr. Barbera helps them navigate the dark valleys and parched deserts so they can again find the oases and mountain tops of love. A must resource for couples and all clergy who work them.
Quotes
RICHARD SCHWARTZ, PH.D.,LMFT, FOUNDER AND DEVELOPER OF INTERNAL FAMILY SYSTEMS
This well-written little book is packed with exercises and examples that make applying IFS concepts to intimate relationships clear and practical. It is a strong contribution to the literature on IFS and to couple's work in general. Therapists and clients alike will find that it enhances their ability to "give better back” and to hold Self leadership in the face of the other's protectors, in other words, to bring loving presence back into their relationships.
RICHARD SCHWARTZ, PH.D.,LMFT, FOUNDER AND DEVELOPER OF INTERNAL FAMILY SYSTEMS
This well-written little book is packed with exercises and examples that make applying IFS concepts to intimate relationships clear and practical. It is a strong contribution to the literature on IFS and to couple's work in general. Therapists and clients alike will find that it enhances their ability to "give better back” and to hold Self leadership in the face of the other's protectors, in other words, to bring loving presence back into their relationships.
WADE LUQUET, PH.D., ASSOCIATE PROFESSOR OF SOCIOLOGY & HUMAN SERVICES AT GWYNED-MERCY COLLEGE, AUTHOR OF SHORT-TERM COUPLES THERAPY: THE IMAGO MODEL IN ACTION
Dr. Mona Barbera brings clarity and wisdom to the Internal Family Systems governing couples relationships. By naming the parts of the system, couples are able to understand their purpose and power. Bring Yourself to Love empowers couples to understand their frustrations and use the relationship to heal their partner and their self, and learn the power of “giving better back.” This book is a gem among relationship books.
RALPH S. COHEN, PH.D., LMFT, DIRECTOR OF THE MARRIAGE AND FAMILY THERAPY PROGRAM AT CENTRAL CONNECTICUT STATE UNIVERSITY AND IFS LEAD TRAINER
Mona Barbera’s new book, Bring Yourself to Love, presents aunique and hopeful approach to addressing both the day-to-day and problematic aspects of intimate relationships, and to promote connection and understanding. Her approach is inviting, engaging,and non-blaming; the use of the Internal Family Systems model as a framework for understanding and resolving both internal andexternal polarizations is a true contribution to the field of couples therapy!
SUSAN PIVER, AUTHOR OF HOW NOT TO BE AFRAID OF YOUR OWN LIFE
Mona Barbera’s new book offers partners a compassionate wayto view and address their own and their mate’s repeated neurotic reactions. Instead of falling into despair when the same old argument surfaces, Barbera offers a practical system for elevating it to an exercise in intimacy.
RHONDA L. SABO, PSY.D., PSYCHOTHERAPIST AND FORMER PRESIDENT, NEW ENGLAND SOCIETY FOR THE TREATMENT OF TRAUMA AND DISSOCIATION
Written with compassion, wisdom and conviction, Bring Yourself to Love is a user-friendly guide (complete with worksheets and exercises) for couples who wish to heal their relationship. It is an equally clear introduction for clinicians who want to apply Internal Family Systems theory and technique in their couples practices. Many of us learned years ago that ego-state work could contribute to therapeutic success, and we have been fascinated to learn about the developments introduced by Richard Schwartz in his IFS theory. In this book experienced couples therapist Mona Barbara has truly done justice to the IFS model. She invites us on a new and exciting path to helping couples create and sustain deep and loving connection.
NOAH RUBINSTEIN, LMFT, EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR OF GOODTHERAPY.ORG
Whereas many self-help books only highlight the importanceof changing oneself in order to change one’s relationship, MonaBarbera, Ph.D., in her excellent new book, actually demonstrates how to go about doing this. Bring Yourself to Love: How Couples Can Turn Disconnection into Intimacy is a wonderful, practical, and easy to read book with very helpful exercises. This book is in alignment with the values of GoodTherapy.org and will benefit many couples who want to strengthen their relationship or save their marriage.
SUNNY SHULKIN, LCSW, BCD, FACULTY, INSTITUTE OF IMAGO RELATIONSHIP THERAPY
This captivating book by Mona Barbera, Ph.D., is a must read for couples and therapists everywhere. Inside its covers, the reader finds principles and tools that led Mona herself, and her many couples from a land of injury and pain into a place where connection and aliveness easily emerge. Dr. Barbera’s personal and professional journey is way beyond wonderful and a gift to us all.
MARILYN PAUL, PH.D., AUTHOR OF IT’S HARD TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE WHEN YOU CAN’T FIND YOUR KEYS
I love Bring Yourself to Love! Mona’s approach and style is soaccessible that I was able to apply it to my own life immediately. This book is about helping us grow up and love the way we have wanted to, but have been unable to, because of the many “parts” that live in us, unreconciled.
DEIDRE FAY, MSW AUTHOR OF Becoming SAFELY EMBODIED SKILLS MANUAL
Every so often an invaluable book comes a long. When I find a book like that I keep a pile at my office to give to clients. Mona Barbera’s book, “Bring Yourself to Love” is one of those books. Written for couples the material is helpful for people in any kind of relationship. I’ve been loaning my copy out to people who are working out issues with their bosses, work colleagues, friends, and yes, their significant other. They come back telling me abut their relief saying the book is easy to understand, easy to use, simplifying complex relational dynamics. Now, that’s the book to keep around!
REV. DR. ED BABINSKY, UNITED CHURCH OF CHRIST MINISTER
Mona Barbera’s book is an eminently readable road map that guides couples through the challenging terrain of their relationships. Using easy to understand yet very important concepts of their inner lives, Dr. Barbera helps them navigate the dark valleys and parched deserts so they can again find the oases and mountain tops of love. A must resource for couples and all clergy who work them.
STAN BECKER, PROFESSOR, DEPARTMENT OF POPULATION, FAMILY AND REPRODUCTIVE HEALTH, JOHNS HOPKINS UNIVERSITY
As a demographer focusing on couples and reproductive health,I am aware of the very high rate of divorce in the U.S., and the high number of births (37%) to unmarried women. It seems that when many couples encounter major difficulties in the relationship, instead of working hard to resolve the differences, they opt for the individualistic response of dissolving the relationship. Mona Barbera’s book gives theoretical background and lots of practice exercises for those couples committed to working together toward understanding each others’ inner selves and how they sometimes lead them to hurt and defensiveness. “Giving better back” is a beautiful starting point for healing relationships.