For couples therapists: Is it ever OK to say you can't help a couple
Do you feel like you have to help every couple that seeks counseling from you?
Do you hear yourself saying:
- I’m not good enough if I can’t help this couple.
- I should be able to help every couple.
You are not alone. I have found in my couples consult groups that Internal Family Systems/IFIO couples therapists who pay attention to these thoughts feel more confident, happy, and energized in their couples therapy practices, and are actually more helpful to couples who need relationship help.
Many of us have parts that think we should be able to help every couple, and that there is something wrong with us if we can’t.
You can benefit from paying attention to the parts of you that have these beliefs. They will appreciate the attention, and may give you room to think more broadly about your couple.
Because maybe it’s the situation, and not you.
For example, what if you have met with a couple a few times and as a result of your assessment, you recommended weekly sessions. They agree, but then they cancel frequently. Not just once or twice, but every other time, or every two times so you end seeing them once a month or so. You aren’t making progress.
Maybe it’s not you. Maybe your assessment was correct, and they need weekly sessions to make progress. Maybe good things in the sessions with you and then they get lost before they see you again.
It’s actually ethical to tell the couple that there are circumstances that need to be met in order for you to help them. Conversely, it’s unethical to work with a client if you know there are circumstances that are preventing the therapy from being successful.
In the case of so many missed sessions, and no progress, maybe your system will allow you to address it directly. Are they ready to put aside the time for couples therapy now? Do they have the money? Do they need to focus on making their lives more manageable before they can commit to weeky sessions? The benefit of such a conversation could be that they don’t lose hope in couples therapy. They realize they need to take care of some things before they can invest and repeat the benefits, rather than trying, not being successful, and giving up on couples therapy.
When you are able to assess when a couple is ready and able to engage in couples therapy, your confidence may increase. You may be more helpful to couples because you will feel more energized with the couples that are working well, and you will be able to dialog with couples who aren’t ready for couples therapy.
You’ll be able to tell them:
-Why couples therapy isn’t likely to work right now.
-What they need to do to get ready.
And you can help them maintain hope in couples therapy by avoiding a failure that leads them to think it will never work.
Here is another example, which may be more triggering to couples therapists.
One member of a couple is consistently shaming and blaming the other. You have offered multiple times and in different ways to help them get to know the part of them that is doing this. You’ve avoided arguing with this common protector and you feel warm and accepting toward it. You’ve made gentle comments that could lead to a moment of unblending, like , “What if we could find out what you are hoping to accomplish right now? What if there was a way that was more likely to get you what you want? Would you be willing to check inside to see how you feel physically after you talk to your partner like that? Would you be willing to notice what you hear in your head after you just said that? Do you have a fear of what could happen if you don’t talk to your partner like that?
There is so much we can do with shaming and blaming protectors, and I believe that IFS is immensely helpful for this kind of couple situation.
But what if the person doesn’t respond to any of your comments? What if they don’t think they are shaming and blaming? What if the other partner believes they are being shamed and blamed and is expressing themself with Self energy with no effect? What if you have even spent a bit of time with them alone in the session while the other partner waits in the waiting room, and there is still no progress?
FYI I am not talking about emotional abuse here. That is a different subject.
Would you consider telling the couple that couples therapy isn’t likely to succeed until this issue is addressed? Would you be willing to discuss some options with the couple, such as starting individual therapy, or whether they would be willing to ask their individual therapist to focus on this issue?
What are your thoughts? Let us know in the comments.