You’re problems seem so big and you despair that they will ever be solved. You’re worried about money, sex, parenting, communication, social life, fairness in household chores and you don’t see things changing.
You don’t have to solve your problems – solve the moment instead!! Happy marriages have problems, year after year, just like you do, but the partners get through them moment by moment, with connection and surprising fun. Here are three steps:

You can follow these three steps to solve your moments, and have a happy marriage.

1. Notice when YOU have lost connection with your spouse. Ask yourself the following questions:

Do I care about my partner’s feelings?
Am I agitated rather than calm?
Do I feel disconnected from my partner?
Am I reacting in an extreme manner?
Am I blaming or shaming my partner?
Am I trying to force my partner to do something?
Am I thinking of my favorite addiciton (shopping, eating, drinking, gambling, over-working, etc.)?
(adapted from Chapter 3, “Bring Yourself to Love: How Couples Can Turn Disconnection into Intimacy.” )

If you answer yes, you have lost connection. Now do step 2:

2. Take 100% percent responsibility for your own loss of connection. Leave your partner out of the picture for the moment, and focus on yourself. You’re the only one you have control over, anyway! When you do this, you may find that you have lost your connection because you have begun to protect yourself. What are you protecting yourself from? Listen inside, and see what you get. You may find that some old baggage car from the past latched onto this moment, and that you are confusing your mate with someone else. Maybe you don’t even feel like an adult anymore. Just listen inside. Read more on how to get to know yourself and your parts.

3. Give better back than you feel you are getting. If you are being criticized, be curious. If your mate is agitated, be calm. If you are being judged, be compassionate. If your mate is worried, be confident. If your mate is distant or dismissive, be connected. This attitude will leave you feeling more peaceful and clear, and most likely your mate will rise to the occasion. Read an excerpt from Chapter 6, “Giving Better Back” in “Bring Yourself to Love.” Or watch the video.

Now watch for those surprising moments of connection and intimacy.

You’re hurt and disappointed with your partner’s behavior. He or she is disrespectful, controlling, dismissive, uncaring, uncommited – and you’re agitated, confused, hopeless, and upset. What can you do?
Give better back than you feel you are getting. When their is criticism, be curious; when there is distance, be connected; when there is agitation, be calm.

Giving better back doesn’t mean doing the “nice” thing, being fake, or being a doormat. It means giving energy that is better for YOU.

How do you feel after you are angry or cold? How do you feel when you can maintain your calm, connection, and clarity?

Do you have any doubt that you will feel better if you maintain your calm, connection, compassion and curiosity? Try it! You’ll find you feel better – and you might be very surprised at how well your partner responds.

Here’s a story of a real couple who gave better back:
The other day I came down for breakfast on Sunday and he’s got his laptop at the breakfast table and I would have been really bitchy about in the past. But I looked at him and I started laughing and he said “What’s up?” I said, “I kind of think that computer has been surgically applied to your hip.”

He laughed, still typing away. Having fun, with a big smile on my face so that he knew I was being playful, I took the cane I was using and slowly tapped it against the computer to close the top an inch.

He said, “OK, I get it!” and he closed it down and he didnít open it up for 8 hours which is amazing for him.

He turned to me and said, “What can I do that will make you really happy today?”

I said “Clean the bathroom,” and he did it. And then he vacuumed.

I was on the phone with my sister and she heard loud music and I said, “Oh my husband plays loud music when he cleans the bathroom.” She said “WHAT!!!- He’s cleaning THE BATHROOM??????!!!!”

I still have the knee jerk rejection to criticize him. But somethings stops me and I look at him and think he loves me and is trying so hard to help me understand how much he loves me. Iíve been so light about the things that used to bug me that he’s become really joyful. He walks around with a big smile on his face.

The line between not liking what your spouse is doing and being abused by them is not always clear.

However, there are times when it’s very probably abuse. If it is, you probably don’t want to talk to your spouse about it, because you could be hurt more. You probably just want to get out of there to someplace safe, even if it’s temporary. Don’t worry, you can think about the relationship later.  The important thing is that you are safe. Here’s when it could be abuse:

-when your spouse hits or assaults you physically once or more than once.

            If it’s once, mild with no injuries, and your spouse is sorry, takes it very seriously, and stops the behavior for a long time, it might not be abuse.  And since people can really try to change and still have a relapse, twice might fit into the same category.

            But sometimes once can be abuse.  If your spouse tries to choke you around the neck, even briefly, that is a serious sign that you might be in danger for your life in the future. You may feel safe afterward, or you may not.  If you don’t, please respect that and get yourself to a safe place as soon as you can.  If you do feel safe after choking, you may  need to reflect on that and ask yourself why.  Maybe you need someone to talk with to get clear. You might feel safe because you just know in your bones that it will never happen again, or you may have a part of you that wants to believe that.  There are lots of people who have left dangerous circumstances and gone on with their lives.  You can do it. But only if you are alive.

            If your spouse assaults you physically and causes harm, visible or invisible, that is likely abuse.  You should almost certainly leave and get to safety.  But again, you may need help thinking about it.   It might be best to leave immediately and then get help thinking it through.  And if you leave it doesn’t necessarily mean the relationship is over.  You may see that your spouse is motivated to change and does what it takes. 

            If your spouse uses words or tone that feel demeaning to you, that could be abuse. It depends on how you feel, if you feel safe talking to your spouse about it, how your spouse responds when bring it up, and if they change. You may need to get clear about what kind of energy or experiences you want and don’t want in your life, gain confidence in what you decide, and gain courage to act.  There are LOTS of people available to help you with that.

Here are some resources:

• National Domestic Violence Hotline https://www.thehotline.org/?utm_source=youtube&utm_medium=organic&utm_campaign=domestic_violence

Languages: English, Spanish and 200+ through interpretation service

Hours: 24/7 

Call 800-799-7233    Text BEGIN to 88788

Chat https://chat.thehotline.us/v2/index.html?dkey=783ea42e-3aa0-42f4-9899-ad886e4995b4&skill=g1b    

• Mayo Clinic: https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/domestic-violence/art-20048397

I’m divorced and gun shy – How can I avoid picking he wrong partner again? I don’t trust my judgment anymore.
When you find a prospect, and you notice something that you don’t like, speak up about it with calm, connection, compassion, and curiosity.

Calm will help you stay present and aware of what you are saying, and you’ll be better able to listen to the response. Connection with the other person will help your words land in his or her heart. Compassion will make you strong and open. And that little edge of curiosity will open the way to surprising, fresh dialogue.

Then notice the response. Does he or she listen, maybe not right away, but within a reasonable amount of time? Does he or she let your influence in? Do you feel heard? Does the interaction interest you?

If you can complain with a feeling of connection, you have a better chance of getting a good response, and you’ll be in a better place to evaluate the response and choose someone you can keep growing with. Remember: all relationships bring challenges – but you must choose a challenge that interests you! If you stay together, you will probably be dealing with the same challenges for many years. The challenges that you see in the early days of a relationship will probably not go away, but if you grow together you may find better ways to meet them. You’ll learn to solve the moment, not the problem, and have fun doing it.

The challenges in your relationship will shape you as a person. Do you like who you become when you meet the particular challenges your partner brings you? Choose someone who brings you challenges that touch the deepest places within you.