Mona Barbera
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Solution #4

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Calm will help you stay present and aware of what you are saying, and you'll be better able to listen to the response. Connection with the other person will help your words land in his or her heart. Compassion will make you strong and open. And that little edge of curiosity will open the way to surprising, fresh dialogue.

Then notice the response. Does he or she listen, maybe not right away, but within a reasonable amount of time? Does he or she let your influence in? Do you feel heard? Does the interaction interest you?

If you can complain with a feeling of connection, you have a better chance of getting a good response, and you'll be in a better place to evaluate the response and choose someone you can keep growing with. Remember: all relationships bring challenges - but you must choose a challenge that interests you! If you stay together, you will probably be dealing with the same challenges for many years. The challenges that you see in the early days of a relationship will probably not go away, but if you grow together you may find better ways to meet them. You'll learn to solve the moment, not the problem, and have fun doing it.

The challenges in your relationship will shape you as a person. Do you like who you become when you meet the particular challenges your partner brings you? Choose someone who brings you challenges that touch the deepest places within you.


Mona Barbara Photo Mona Barbera
Dr. Mona is a psychologist, couples therapist, couples workshop leader, speaker, and the author of Bring Yourself to Love: How Couples Can Turn Disconnection into Intimacy.
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